It’s been an eye-opening week for me. Ear-opening might be more apt.

First of all, my husband and I have been hunkered down in our place in CO to escape not only the heat, but also the virus that is running rampant through TX this summer. I’ll digress a little to say that for anyone not keeping up, TX is one of the worst hot spots in our country. [soapbox alert! Small rant to follow!] This is due in part to the lack of leadership in practical ways such as imposing a mandate to wear masks. I understand and agree that they are uncomfortable, and it can be difficult to breathe while wearing one. HOWEVER, the same holds true for a ventilator, which I imagine is a worse level of discomfort than a mask. So, wear your damned masks! [she steps down from her soap box to continue on with the rest of her story] Ahem…

We needed to pop back to TX to tend to a few things. We sought out truck stops along our route, having heard some gas stations had closed down. It’s a thirteen-hour drive, and we didn’t want to get caught unprepared. After my husband fit in a bike ride, and after I fit in a long walk to keep up my four-month streak of over 10,000 steps/day, we set off on our merry way. My husband loves to play the road game “Beat Google Maps” whereby he tries to come in under Google’s estimated time of arrival. No, it’s not an official game, but it’s one he’s been playing for years. Decades. This will have a role in some of what I’ll eventually be sharing regarding our return drive to CO. Needless to say, our pace was rapid, and he DID beat Google Maps. I think I ground my teeth the entire drive.

It was late when we finally pulled into the garage this past Sunday. We fell into bed, exhausted. Monday morning, I started right in on all that needed to be done. I had errands to run and had arranged in advance to do everything curbside. Our past month and a half’s worth of mail was delivered, teetering on the counter once it was brought inside. I also began gathering and packing up anything we were planning to take back with us to CO. Monday was a whirlwind of activity.

And I had Write Club. During this time, I only missed one day of Write Club, which was due to the return drive to CO. Write Club is an online write-in group I began in late March. It is set up on Facebook with a Zoom link that allows writers to gather virtually and write together. [If interested, check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1897959403670042] I was busy but happy to keep up with my writing. I was also tired and stressed.

At this point, I had an inner voice telling me to “Slow down!”  Or it may have been saying, “Let go…not everything has to be done all at once.”

Did I listen? I absolutely did not.

I Kept. On. Going. I continued the same pattern on Tuesday, running around wildly, all social-distance-like and masked up. Yay for curbside! Wednesday morning: more of the same. All the while this voice kept nudging me to slow down; let go. Worrying that if I DID slow down we’d have to stay longer, I pushed the voice aside. I desperately wanted to get back to CO.

Wednesday afternoon hit me HARD. My book club was meeting that night – in person.  I had told everyone I would Zoom in for the meeting. My allergies were acting up, and since it was to be held outside, I didn’t want to risk a flare up of my asthma. It was cooler than typical for TX this time of year, and I considered going. But I had things to finish before leaving the next morning. I had not yet tackled the mail, now spilling over onto my counter. The inner voice whispered, “Leave it. Go!”

 I once again ignored her.

By midafternoon a deep depression had swept over me. As the hours passed, my depression grew. I had not had a depressive bout like this since January 2019 (less than a month after starting Emgality shots for my migraines, another story to be told at another time). I go to very dark places when I get like this, and this was no exception. I did not want to bring that ugliness to my book group. 

My husband suggested I go for a few minutes “just to say hello to everyone” in person. I thought about it, but decided against it. I found myself in tears at one point, wondering what the hell I was doing with my life. I questioned everything: my friendships, why I was writing my novel, whether or not I deserved all the wonderful things I have in my life. I chastised myself for not being a good friend, for not keeping in touch as well as I *should* (ugh, that word “should”!). What I wanted to do more than anything was to curl up in a fetal position and sleep into oblivion. But I couldn’t do that because that is not the legacy I want to leave to my kids. Yes, that was something I actually thoughts about.

With much encouragement from my husband, I DID end up going to book club “just to say hello.”  For whatever reason, the gods smiled upon me, and my allergies abated for a few hours. I ended up staying to discuss the book. (“Recipe for a Good Wife” by Karma Brown). It was a lively discussion, and I discovered I needed the camaraderie way more than I needed to sort the pile of mail falling over on my counter.  I felt rejuvenated and even a bit triumphant when it was time to return home.  And less depressed.

Upon returning, I saw all that still needed to be done before we left the next morning. I then heard, “Let go. If it doesn’t get done it will be okay.” But, eager to get back to CO and my mountains and hiking trails, I pushed the voice further down, muffling her. Because I knew I did need to get it all finished. Had to.

My night of outdoor fun caught up with me. Or perhaps my inner voice was fed up. My ears began to itch. My throat grew raspy. I tossed and turned all night as a migraine took up residence in my head. I woke Thursday tired and in pain. Yet, I was determined to get through all I “needed” to do and get back to CO. I managed to sort ALL of the mail and get in most of my steps before we left, AND leave the house in order. All by about 10:30AM when we finally left. As we drove, my head would not give up the pain. I ended up taking my first dose of Imitrex since February of 2019 to get rid of the migraine. All this as we sped our way along, once again playing the Google Maps game. I could feel my teeth grinding the faster we went.

It is during this time that I [once again] learned the valuable lesson that inner voices do not do well when suppressed. They tend to make themselves heard eventually. About three hours into the drive I decided to eat some pretzels to get food into my stomach, so I could take my aforementioned meds. Between the pretzels and the grinding of my teeth, my back molar suddenly cracked. In the span of 24 hours I had suffered a bout of depression, a migraine, and now a cracked molar. 

Okay, Universe, you have my attention.

I called around to see if I could find a dentist to see me when we got to CO. Most wouldn’t because they required I quarantine for 14 days since we were coming in from TX. Yes, I did share that we were driving in from TX. These are not times to be withholding information that could impact the lives of others. My tooth, though concerning to me, is not worth risking someone else’s life.

But I was persistent and finally found someone willing to see me on Monday.

Had I listened to my voice when it whispered, I would have slowed down. I might even have stayed in TX a little longer to spread out my tasks over a few extra days instead of cramming it all into three days. Would my tooth have cracked? I don’t know. But it might have done so in TX where I could have called my own dentist and had it looked at immediately.

I am now back in CO, cracked tooth and all. I DO love it here, and despite all the trouble, I am happy to be back. We are new to this area this year, and due to COVID-19 we’ve not been able to cultivate many new friends. However, we have been able to explore the area and spend a lot more time together. For that, I am grateful to C-19. Yet in hindsight, I can see that our eagerness to escape both the heat and the virus might have been premature. The lesson to slow down, to take Life one day at a time – to LET GO – keeps popping up for me.

Ignoring my inner voice is not new. It shows up in many aspects of my life, including my writing. As an example, I have been steadily working on a novel the past couple of years. After an online course this spring, I felt I was on target to finish my rough draft by the end of the summer instead of my original goal of finishing by the end of the year. I have been plugging along, writing at least 5 days a week since class ended. What was originally a possibility: “You might be able to finish this by the end of summer!”  became a must: “You must finish this by the end of summer!” Meanwhile, the inner voice kept saying, “Slow down. Enjoy the process.”

I did NOT listen. Until now.

With all that happened last week, with all the ignored inner whisperings and what transpired as a result, I have decided to take a break from my novel. Yes, I will keep writing, just not on my novel. For now. With this decision I feel a huge sense of release. My characters need a vacation. I need a break. And just as time away can help one relax and even give new perspectives, this time is already stimulating my creativity. I’ll work on a few other projects I’ve had in queue and see where that leads.

For those of you receiving advice from the outside world to do things that don’t mesh with what you sense to be true for yourself, I say, “Follow your heart. Listen to that inner voice.” You may need to meditate or slow down to hear it. We don’t all do things the same way. What works for one doesn’t mean it will work for you. Our inner voices have a lot more insight into how we work than we tend to give them credit.

Time to take my own advice. While I cannot reverse time and be back in TX doing things at a saner pace (nor do I want to be), I CAN slow down. I can take that leisurely walk I’ve been wanting to fit in rather than power-walking up the mountain every time. I can read that book I’ve had sitting by my bedside…take a break from writing my novel. It is not going anywhere. I will slow down and enjoy the process.

Namaste, y’all!