Back to My Roots*

*Note: this was originally published on May 21, 2020 but due to issues with my site it was deleted. I am reposting now that my site has been fixed.

These weeks of staying at home have me getting back to my roots, externally and internally. In the external sense, my hair grows grayer by the day. I have been pleasantly surprised to find that the grayer it gets, the more back to myself I feel. I’ve been considering letting it switch back to its natural color for some time, and this is as good a time as any.  I admit there is a vain side to me that does not welcome the aging that gray hair symbolizes. I find a small part of myself attached to staying young. But with age often comes wisdom, eh? I figure the worst-case scenario is that if I decide I don’t like it, I’ll dye it again.

As far as internal roots are concerned, I am an introvert. For me, staying at home these past weeks has been a welcome reprieve from the hustle and bustle of my pre-COVID days. I’ve spent a lifetime longing for a time like this. No, I’ve been praying for this. Not the pandemic part, just the freedom to stay at home part. The part where no one questions why I’m here and tries to “solve” my socializing “problems” to bring me out of my shell. I’m very happy here in this shell, thank you very much…

It is for exactly this reason that I well understand how difficult this time is for extroverts. Trying to conform to a world in which you feel you do not fit drains your energy. I very much hope that once this time is over there will be a recognition that there are more ways to do things than the ways we have traditionally gone about doing them. You can get to “four” by adding 2 + 2. You can also get there by adding 1 + 3. Two different equations; both arrive at the same answer. Neither is wrong, they are just two of many ways to get to the same goal. I’m hopeful that seeing how well many introverts have thrived during this time will open paths for ways to help them thrive once our new normal is established.

This is not to say this time has been completely easy and anxiety free for me and all other introverts. Many days I do feel a sense of calm, of inner peace. A sense that all will be okay and that all which is unfolding is as is meant to be. Other days it feels as if the world is falling apart. It is ironic to me that our country, the United States of America, is as divided as ever.

Has the divide always been there? Likely, despite many wishing to return to the good ol’ days. I believe memory tends to be selective where history is concerned. Have we always been this far apart? There is this niggling suspicion, a gnawing at my brain that answers, “Yes.” That this divide has been lurking under the surface all along. Recent elections have ripped away its cover, revealing the ugly truth we had hoped to keep hidden. We didn’t want others to see how dysfunctional we are. And that dysfunction has been present for quite some time.

Facebook, once a fun way to reconnect with past friends, current friends, and family, has evolved into yet another place to judge, preach, and sensationalize…with an over-sized dose of spreading misinformation – on all sides – to boot. I cringe at some of the things I’ve seen posted…and at some of the things I’ve posted.  Yes, I’ve found myself as caught up as others, spewing accusations, judgement, and despair. It was not a difficult trap to fall into. I found the need to limit my time on FaceBook and other social media, but once COVID hit I found myself on again. I had this idea that we would all bond over our housebound time. Unite. But it has turned into yet another area that has widened the divide even further.

Coming together, I believe, is not contingent on a majority of us moving to one side or the other. It is irrelevant what we each believe. What needs to happen is acceptance of one another, despite our beliefs.

These beliefs are strong within us. But it’s one thing to post information and allow others to read should they choose to do so, and from there, form their own opinions. It is quite another thing to jam the information down their throats and demand they accept that our way is the one right way. That’s force feeding.

We are attempting to unite in all the wrong ways. Instead of posting our ideals and beliefs and judgments, trying our darnedest to sway other’s opinions and beliefs, we should think about why it is so important that we have others see our side. We need to look at what is behind the force feeding.

Perhaps uniting begins by separating, by working on ourselves. By knowing who we are and what our own boundaries are before attempting to unite the world. My intuition tells me to work on being the best human I can be, regardless of the world around me. Maybe, ultimately, that is our true purpose in life. I remember some of Steven Covey’s teachings about working within our Circle of Influence. The idea is that there are things we can change and influence in our lives (our Inner Circle of Influence), and other things that lie outside of that. No matter how much we worry about those things outside our Circle of Influence, we cannot change them. At least not directly. Those things we can directly change are the ones inside our circle. I choose to work on my inner circle. I believe the more I do so, the wider my circle of influence becomes.

This is not to say I am unaware of what is outside of my circle. In most instances, I am painfully aware. What I am doing is letting go. I’ve let go of trying to control that which is outside my circle, doing my best to release any anxiety and guilt over those things. This eases my mind a teensy, tiny bit.

And as I let go, I am more able to work on those things I can do something about. I will do what I can for my outer circle when the opportunity arises. (For example: voting). Meanwhile, I’ll continue to work on myself. This is how I am brought back to my roots. To peace.

I’ve always believed peace resides within each of us, that we cannot have world peace until we discover peace within. In that sense, peace begins with me. It begins with you.  

Namaste, y’all…